Sunday, June 4, 2017

Confessions of a Food Addict

Have you ever wondered: am I full? I think I am full but still, I will eat this whole meal. Just because it is there. Or maybe I am not really full. But I have eaten an entire adult portion that others could not even finish. How am I still able to eat after that?

Have you ever found yourself picking up that box of cookies knowing full well you will not let go of it before it is completely empty? 

Or that chocolate bar, the large one of course, thinking, I will have one square, no one row, then another until the bar is completely gone? 

Or dug into that large Nutella jar with a huge spoon, cleaning up the sides, pretending you are only trying to make a perfect surface of chocolate only to keep "cleaning up" more and more until that jar is empty? 

Or at the supermarket, picking up that M&M's pack and then returning it knowing full well you will open two so might as well take the big one? And once home, you decide you will not eat it all but just the brown ones because they are the dullest. But the orange ones look so weird, so let's get them out of the way too. There is only a few yellows so might as well put them out of their misery. And somehow, all the colors are gone and the bag is empty in five minutes.

Have you ever eaten chocolate and literally hidden the wrappings because you knew your partner or your mother or anyone who cares about you would give you grief about that binge? 

Well I have. Every day. 

It is not easy for me to write this. But I have many friends who are suffering in silence like I am. And I think it is important we quit shaming and start helping. If I can make it easier on one person out there just by opening up and telling them it is going to be ok, then I will be fine with this little humiliation:

My name is Rouba and I am a food addict.

Without a doubt. I had never looked at it this way. But today, as I am getting myself on a healthier path, I have noticed I am exactly that: a recovering addict

In a second, I could go back to eating like I used to. In a second, I could wipe out all of the kids treats in the house. I could. I know I have the horrifying potential to do it. I open the fridge. I see those two gigantic bars of Milka that I bought a while ago and I think "my God, I could totally eat you. The both of you. In less than a minute".  

But somehow I am not touching a thing right now. I am being extra cautious and I am not eating unless I am feeling really, really hungry. I am recording my change and progress on social media to hold myself accountable. To myself first. I do not like to fail and failing in public would be a million times worse. So I am hoping this would help keep me in check. And I take each day at a time. 

Because I am scared to death. 

What changed?

Even though I started EMS about three months ago, I did not care enough at the time to follow my trainer's advice and diet. I had somehow convinced myself that it was important and enough that I move. 

And I think I had gotten used to my weight and my shape and (un)consciously, decided, only shallow people care about their appearance.

To a certain extent, there is truth in that. 

But when your shape and your appearance are a direct reflection of your health, maybe it is time to look at yourself in a different light. 

When you are not even in your forties yet and your endocrinologist tells you your body is way older than your age and you have to start taking meds that you could have avoided by being healthy, then maybe it is time to redefine depth and shallowness.

When your meds include but are not restricted to what people who suffer from diabetes take and you have been on that path so often these pills no longer work by themselves and you now need injections then maybe, just maybe, it is not just about the size of your clothes anymore.  

Maybe you do not have to be a horrible human being and judge others for the way they look just because you decide that you need to change the way you live your life and by extension, the way you look.

The dress

My best friend asked me to be her daughter's godmother and I swear, I was so happy I literally cried. I love that child more than words could say and I so want to be there for her. 

On the other hand, I did not want to be the fat godmother standing next to the dashingly handsome doctor who happens to be the godfather.

Ok, that was vain. But it did the trick. 

So I went shopping for a dress and after weeks of looking, I found one that I absolutely loved. Nothing special, very simple but I just loved it. As luck would have it, the label does not do big sizes and when I tried the biggest one in the store I literally had to hold my breath. That zipper was going to explode all over the place like a damn A-bomb!

I bought the dress anyway. And I promised myself I would wear it. And not suffocate to death. 

And for the first time ever, I followed through on my promise.

A few days ago, I tried that dress on again and it fit like a charm. 

I have to say it: I am so proud of myself. It is only a dress, I know. But It represents so much more than that. It means that if I truly want to change my life and myself, I can. And I have.  

How did it all happen?

I am not sure to be honest. What I do know is that EMS had a lot to do with it. I felt like I was already on a path to a healthier me. And our trainer kept on repeating: "You will be stronger and fitter but you will not loose weight unless you complement your training with a diet. EMS alone is not enough". Well he was right. 

First things first: I called my doctor and got myself a new prescription for my meds because I know I cannot jump start my diet with bad insulin. I have thyroid issues for which I have been taking medications for years now and when I gained weight, I was forced to take pills to help with my insulin resistance. 

Secondly and most importantly: I shut my mouth. I started dieting properly and this combined with the meds and EMS helped me drop kilos in only a few weeks! Better yet, the workout helped me stay firm as I lost the weight. 

Now the hardest part is to keep going and reach my target weight. I still have 5 kilos to go which in the grand scheme of things is nothing compared to the 10 I have already lost. But somehow they seem to be more stubborn.

And of course, most importantly, to sustain that weight and not fall back into bad habits. This is not going to be easy. I leave Dubai and EMS in a few days to spend my summer in a remote mountain in Lebanon. But I will try. We will see. 

Wish me luck! ;)

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